3 - My Daily Doses of Heartaches

Yes, you read it right. Heartaches. I’m so used to them. Almost every day, I get to experience heartaches; at least not just in the aspect of love. It feels like my daily life will never be the same if I do not feel some sort of it.

My definition of heartache is to a certain degree near to disappointment. Yes, I always disappoint myself. Disappointments are one of the things that I cannot live without, like a person having maintenance medicine for the rest of his life. Every time I am disappointed, I am stunned by the emotions. A day without disappointments is beyond in my wildest dreams. I mean, who doesn’t want to live in a world without disappointments? Who doesn’t want to make everything perfect by the snap of one’s finger? I wish I didn’t have to make mistakes before learning from them.

I remember when I was a kid (and even up at this present time); I have been so used to imperfection, that even in my everyday life, I loathe it. I will never deny that at some points, I want to be better, but half of me dislike perfection because this means people will talk about you and when they do, it is more likely something against you. I never really like it when people talk about me. I like attention, but the mere fact that people talk about me for any kind of reason it is, it upsets me, makes me lose my mind and my motivation.

Though it gives me miserable feeling, I suddenly started accepting it. The feeling of heartaches (disappointments) is so astonishing; it makes me think over and over again. I like overthinking thinking a lot even though my head gets so drained and painful after all. The pain given by heartaches is too beautiful to be described but in a nutshell, these heartaches make me feel that I can always be a better person; that every downfall I’ve been through leads to something big in the future. These heartaches remind me that I can always develop what I’ve already started and that there is always a room for improvement in every mistake I commit.

I just like the feeling but I never like it when I am the one who tears the hearts of others. That is a very different thing, okay? I just like it when I am the one who feels it and not others.